she is me

the return of the online quiz…. a few months back i was obsessed with online quizes and posted a few of my results. most memorable where when i was declared to be both ghandi and buffy the vampire slayer in one day….

today – surprising no one who knows me – i was declared a social liberal.

You are a Social Liberal (80% permissive) and an… Economic Liberal (8% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

[music | bauhaus, “telegram sam”]

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season of the witch socks

we’re really getting into it now. for the past few days the thermometer has been dropping – reinforced by the fact that both cats run for the sofa whenever they see me pulling out a blanket to snuggle into. the sun is still out, but the solar heat is just not the same as could be felt just a few weeks ago. gardens are now somewhat overgrown and the holly berries are beginning to turn their bright red in preparation for autumn and winter. the morning glories are still valiantly attempting to worship the morning sun, even though the temperatures are cooling off rapidly. the few rusted leaves that are on the neighbourhood lawns will soon give way to a crunchy blanket of red, orange and yellow.

this is also the time of the thinning of the veil. for those who believe in such things, now is the time when you begin to hear extra creaks in the floor boards, lights being on when you know they were off and for my poor roommate – a face full of water as a result of the shower head being turned in her direction (i didn’t do it… and i don’t think that the cats can reach). i’ve lived in places that experienced far more activity than this one. places where a self-declared non-sensitive found it hard to walk up the stairs to the upper bedroom. and while she felt something restraining her, the believers felt a virtual invisible wall of resistance. i could go on about my experiences, but those are best saved for cozy nights in front of a roaring fireplace and servings of warming blueberry tea. or tarot readings. the last tarot party i did ended up with me sitting in a suburban mississagua home being asked to tell stories of my experiences with other worldly things. i felt a bit like a dog and pony show – and could see a bit more clearly why some readers develop a dramatic persona to go with their readings.

it’s the time of year when nightly dreams arrive just that more vividly and quite often with a message for you to learn or to recall upon waking. it’s the time of year that i remember all that has happened in the previous 12 months. it’s the death of the living year, so in that time, for me it’s only natural to remember those who have left this life. this year i will recall my grandma erna and my cat nes. this is the time of their final passing. i will also remember those who have left in years before : norma, decker (actually jacob – but my grandfather lived his entire life with a nickname… how cool is that?), arthur, george, rose, john, cornelia, sam, boris, diva and on and on i could go. i will remind myself of all the wonderful memories and experiences shared with each of them. i will let go of the sadness i still feel on each of their passings and remind myself that while their actual presence is in absentia my thoughts of them will live on as long as i do.

i find comfort in the seasonal changes, i really do. sometimes it’s rather simple to become so self-absorbed that one loses the thread of their own life. the core of the person and the essence of that unique spark that makes us all individuals. when i get a little too self-obsessed with self-loathing (why did this happen to me? what do i do wrong? why does nothing go right?) i find it so helpful to be able to look at the ever changing robes that nature cloaks herself in. the cycle moved in it’s ancient pattern long before i ever drew my first breath and the dance will go on long after i have exhaled my last. the sun somehow remembers to rise and shine each day and the moon glows in it’s cool counterpart to the solar melody. it’s all so much larger than any of us.

[music | dead can dance, “oman”]

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poof, be gone

so this morning in my shower i came up with two blog topics… i was so pleased… sometimes the hardest thing about rambling on a blog is to figure out what to ramble about. i knew the flavour, the phrasing and the flow… they were going to be fun to write.

off i went to my yoga class and somewhere between leaving the class and getting to the subway i got weird little butterflies in my tummy. urgh. i thought i might be hungry. stopped by the second cup to see if i wanted a muffin or a coffee or something. nope. no food thanks. and no caffeine either, thankies. i sucked on a white hot chocolate on the way home and read my book. by the time i hit home my stomach really was feeling like i had a swarm of monarchs in there.

i took some gravol, grabbed a cat and a blanket and curled up on the sofa and slept for several hours. woke up, had some water and went back to sleep with a different cat. woke up to the sound of a phone ringing, had a conversation and went back to sleep until 7pm. my stomach is still feeling fluttery and i’m getting tired of it now. hopefully i’ll be able to sleep tonight – haha. i might just be finishing my great book ursula, under tonight.

maybe those two great ideas will come back – but i think the gravol chased them away.

on a side note – i’m not sure if i like the new look to ye olde blog – but i was a little bored of the other….

[music | dead can dance, “cantara”]

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everybody’s living in a material world….

as a kid i loved having things around me and never wanted to throw anything out. i used to save every scrap of paper i ever wrote on and ended up hijacking one of my parent’s end tables for storage. it was one of those oh-so-70’s octagonal shaped column table… with a cupboard door on the lower portion. i would shove all my goodies in that damned thing. my dad used to call it a fire-trap. which, on retrospect – did not help my fear of fire. i have always had dreams of fire and burning up – especially as a wee girl. with the knowledge that the end table was a fire trap i would lay in my twin bed in my tiny room and toss and turn as i imagined the papers just somehow spontaneously sparking up and burning the entire place down.

as i’ve aged i’ve gone through periodic purges. i used to save perfume boxes – just because i liked the packaging and thought it’d be a waste to throw them out. i used to keep every book i ever read – even if it was a brutally bad book that i did not want to ever read again – much less inflict on anyone else. i used to keep all the wrapping paper that gifts came in – not that i’d usually remember who the paper was from or what the gift was or even to re-use the nice paper – i just did not want to throw it out.

through time i’ve gotten better at letting go of these material objects. i will take books to the used store or give them away to the movers who have the carry the damned things in a move. i only keep very very very pretty wrapping paper now – and i do know what and who goes with it. long ago i threw out the last of the perfume boxes.

guess you could say i’m a pack-rat in recovery. that doesn’t mean i am in the clear though. i still have a concert t-shirt from 1989. it’s a giant oversized bon jovi tour shirt. i don’t keep the shirt for any sentimental reasons (though i clearly remember going with my friend leanne and that we stopped at a dairy queen for hot fudge sundaes on the way home). i don’t know why i keep the shirt. it’s part of the pack-rat thing, i suppose. from time to time i will still use it to sleep in. i guess i am comforted by sleeping with my 18 year-old ghost. i don’t see me throwing that shirt out just yet.

and the pack-rat-ness extends to keeping the last item of things. am i attempting to stem the flood of time by keeping one of everything i’ve ever owned? it really has to be a sickness because i will keep things like the last tea bag from a particularity good box of tea. or the last few scrapings of powder in the bottom of a great international coffee tin. does this mean i hate saying goodbye? does this mean i am comforted by things staying the same? does this mean i just hate finishing things? self-examination is difficult for me… so these questions may remain unanswered until another time. maybe when i’m able to throw out the bon jovi pj’s.

what i do know is that i’ve begun making tea from those last straggling teabags and loose leaves. the past few weeks i’ve been drinking ancient cups of many brands of earl grey, darjeeling and a whole shop’s worth of flavoured teas (cherry, rum&butter, chocolate, orange/peach and the list goes on).

i’m not sure what i’m accomplishing – but i do know that i feel lighter doing this. if only i knew what past baggage i was really holding on to and how to rid myself of it….

[music | tori amos, “siren”]

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tooth marks on your soul

some days are just destined to be more of a struggle… aren’t they? then again – it’s really all on how you look at things. do you look at them with suspicion and narrowed eyes, or do you blink and grin.

when you realize you didn’t wash your sweaty yoga clothes the day before it leads you to dig through the drawer to mine less preferable items… which takes a few extra moments which then may lead you to just barely miss the bus whizzing past your face. which then possibly results in your arrival at the subway station 10 minutes later than you normally plan. and that just might take you to the transfer station with only 15 minutes to spare before the friday yoga ritual begins. and what if at that subway transfer there is an unknown problem which leads the ttc to unload 3 trains in front of your face, unburdening their human cargo onto the already squashy platform. one might, just might then decide that yoga is a no-go and head off to the bank machine to put in some gold or take out some gold.

all of this interuption to the regularily scheduled program may lead one to place one’s book on the shelf at the royal bank machine. and then you wander off in search of a coffee and a croissant and a seat where you can read your book for a bit.

in case you haven’t figured it out, i’m talking about my own day (insert sardonic wink here, “duh, jo”). i make my way to the coffee and croissant, but when i reach for my book – it is not anywhere to be found. i molest my yoga bag looking for the book – but no, it has not somehow rolled itself into the sticky mat.

with resignation and the full expectation that i will need to purchase another copy of the book, i head back to see if it’s still there. i was especially bothered as this book is actually really really brilliant. i have been reading a series of good, but not rapturous novels and just kind of fell across this one as i was looking for the 3rd book in a well-written trilogy about fictional shogun japan (brilliance of the moon). this astonishing book i’m loving is called ursula, under. it is a completely unexpected treasure. i am halfway through and already mourning it’s completion.

arriving at the bank of machines, they are all empty except for the one round the corner from my sight. there is a man completing this transaction and i look on the shelf hoping to see ursula waiting for me there. she’s not. i feel a twinge of regret and begin to hope that the person who found it would love it as much as i… but then my eyes travel upwards to the man’s elbow – and some kind soul (perhaps this man) has tucked ursula anywhere but under.

the book has been thoughtfully placed behind a little post – up and out of the way. giddily, i wait for the man to collect his money and leave. he’s barely left (but not without first casting a puzzled glance at me, “why is this woman waiting for this machine, when 3 others are open and free?”) i collect my book and begin the walk back to the second cup so i can continue my postponed date with a cup of coffee. unfortunatley, the man is also heading in the same direction – and he’s now freaked out and looking back at me – like i’m going to roll him for his 20’s. tee hee. as he speeds away, i stop and browse in the window of de ritz. mmmmm…. bags……..

thank you to the kind soul who didn’t take my book, but instead placed it somewhere safe. thank you very much indeed. may good things happen to you today. not everyone is a craphead…. it’s nice to be taken out of your own little zone and remember this from time to time.

[music | placebo, “brick shithouse”]

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bubble girl

we’ve just moved past the last day of summer and into the first day of autumn. mabon is a time of reflection and balance – and yummy soups. i thought i’d take the day to take stock of my current place in the landscape of my life and i have to say – wow. can we all lighten up a little?

we’ve got a 33 year old pervert taking cell phone pics up the skirts of little girls in grocery stores. we’ve got recovered bodies from two separate missing women in ontario. one was apparently murdered by a neighbour and we still just don’t know about the other. we have yet another canadian scandal involving money- this time it’s with the feds giving grant money to some tech companies that may or may not have lived up to their end of the contract. we have a man in ontario being released on bail after spending 12 years in jail for the rape and murder of his niece – but now it appears that she may not have been raped or murdered (what the fuck happened there?)

we’ve got raine maida pontificating about how profound and selective and important he is (but that’s nothing new). we have shirley manson complaining about inxs reliving the past by picking a new lead singer via a reality show. we have the american media in a mass orgy over the prospects of another katrina scale hurricane (who need to talk about katrina’s effects anymore, we have the potential grim disaster of rita to dwell on). and lots and lots of people don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom (eewwww!) and if they’re not doing it in public – you just KNOW they’re not doing it at home either.

i could go on – but why bother. why not just go to kitten wars and see how zelda is doing? 🙂 61% at last check. c’mon gurl!

[music | the music, “breakin'”]

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borrowed from a dream

this morning i dragged myself out of bed earlier than i wanted to. maybe it was the pressure on my bladder, but i had a dream early this morning that is lingering like the smell of stale cigarettes.

it was a dream of the movie of my life. the person playing me was the girl from the ctv show “instant star”. i had to look her up to find her name – alexz johnson. i’ve watched the show a few times, but only because members of david usher‘s band are in some of the episodes as part of ms. instant star’s band.

anyway – in my dream, we were reliving some actual and some fictional accounts of my life circa the university era. what was real – i was a journalism student and i was working on the annual ryerson review of journalism. what wasn’t real – i was working at the perfume counter at a suburban shoppers drug mart (i actually worked at an indie book store in downtown toronto).

in the movie dream i was treated horribly by the other students – kind of treated like the gum on the bottom of their shoes – there and needing to be dealt with, but it’s not a pleasant thing. and the instructors all seemed to hate me and my work. in the scene where we were working on the magazine – i was being told to fetch coffee and being yelled at because my fact checking and copy editing wasn’t worthy of everyone else’s work. i was wearing big baggy clothes and wearing a strange yellow and black houndstooth shirt. very strange. and quite unflattering!

then the dream had a voiceover (told you it was like a movie) where i/alexz johnson was taking the bus to work. the voiceover was all about how i flunked out of j-school and did not graduate with my degree and she started to go on about how much this affected her life when i woke myself up.

my waking self (admittedly groggy and stupid with sleep) started thinking that i should take my degree off of my resume because if anyone found it out, it would be bad and i’d have no answer for it. then i started to feel like a failure because i couldn’t even graduate university. but of course – I DID. i remembered that i did get my degree and that my mom even flew in for the ceremony.

silliness that should of dissipated when i washed the sleep from my eyes – but for some reason it hasn’t. i feel like my subconscious is playing a nasty game on me. telling me that i am sub-par and just not a winner at life. rationally i know this is stupid. besides – who the hell wins at life? is there something to win? argh!

maybe this is all because of the dinner i made for a friend last night (spaghetti squash with peppers, carrots and tofu and an apple curried soup). he’s quit smoking and been going through some relationship turmoil – both of which are leading to some pretty acute anxiety attacks. we talked and talked and talked and talked about it. maybe i’m absorbing….

on a more positive note – there are 4 new live performances by david usher up on the sympatico site. go check out the orange lounge for some amazing music.

[music | david usher, “faithless”]

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take a look at my world….

can i just say how disappointed i am in the whole canadian idol thing? why is it that this concept (which is basically just a televised illustration of one of the many ills of the industry) is so popular. i literally do not understand it. a friend of mine believes it’s because the public gets to think that ‘one of their own’ beats the star system and becomes famous. that because these performers are in your living room singing (albeit usually off-key) classic pop songs, that the people start to feel protective. almost like it’s the kid who lives down the street. why wouldn’t you want to support little danny or little janey?

this mini-rant is brought to you courtesy of this weeks album sales. one of the former rejects from one season or another of canadian idol released an album on universal this week. and they debuted in #3. i just don’t understand. all i know is that idol needs to go away. it needs to stop existing. and until that point in time – all things idol are as dead to me as certain hilton heirs. i will not acknowledge their existence any more. until i snap and need to rant again over a sold out tour or something.

as i write this i have metallica : some kind of monster on in the background. it’s 3 hours long (?!?) and you can just tell all participants feel they’re making an important contribution to the world of documentary film. instead it just appears to be coming off as a band that is past their creative prime still struggling to be heard in some form or another. (as i type this james hetfield is talking to a therapist while wearing a triumph band t-shirt) *sigh*

guess i’m kinda surly today.

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uh, i’m responsible…. forgive me????

well, will wonders never cease? first we had jd performing his gawdawful original song for the 3rd time last night on rockstar : inxs and now we have gwb claiming responsibility for the horrendous response time to the results of hurricane katrina. and that is a first – i believe. it’s probably the closest that administration will ever get to an apology.

this is the administration that refused to acknowledge the faulty information that lead to the war in iraq (remember the whole, “they have weapons of mass destruction” song and war-drum dance?). this is the administration that refused to apologize for the human rights violations that were documented in abu ghraib – and potentially in the guantanamo bay prison as well. this is an administration of arrogance. granted – if you were handed the keys to the worlds most powerful and wealthy nation (twice!?!), you might feel a little puffed and mighty yourself.

but bush has come out and gone on the record basically stated that the buck stops here. he is to blame for the problems and for the fact that response time to disasters haven’t improved at all since 9/11 (in fact, it seems to have gotten worse). he claimed that he was responsible for the mishandling of the response and reaction to the hurricane katrina aftermath and flooding. the flooding, by the way, is starting to look more and more like the levees were broken via arson, not katrina. that would be the saddest news of all.

now i don’t think that gwb has woken up on the other side of the bed and decided that he needed to appear more humble. no, sadly, we all know that this is part of a massive image tweak that is beginning. i mean, he’s gone 3 times now to the areas most affected by katrina. this from the president who in the early days of this disaster elected to have photo ops with guitars and good ole boys. this is a start, but at the same time, it’s really kind of like the proverbial finger in the dike. the claim of responsibility stopped short of being an apology. and it’s rather late, don’t you think?

moving on…. what the hell is a sheep doing in a bra in a dorm room. eeew! or rather, ewe.

also – what do you do when you own a smelly cat. the new kitten pretty much refuses to clean and she is greasy and beginning to smell. most unattractive. this afternoon she came running up to me – and one side of her was soaking wet. first i thought she’d been undergoing a heavy duty cleaning session – but no, it turns out that she fell into her water dish – and just couldn’t be bothered to lick herself dry. if this goes on much longer i won’t be able to cuddle with her! the wet food already makes her farts smell like rotten pumpkins and now she smells of dirty hair. lovely. but she has the most beautiful eyes! 🙂

[music | the smiths, “money changes everything”]

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who are you…

i’ve been watching the senate hearings for the new chief justice of the american supreme court. i have to admit – that i do not really know anything at all about judge john roberts – but i do know that he is gwb’s nominee and that fact alone makes me think i won’t like roberts. a quick google search turned up the interesting fact that judge roberts provided legal advice to florida govenor jeb bush in 2000 regarding the presidential election. more specifically – how the florida legislature could legally find in gwb favour. that rumour aside, to be somewhat fair – from what i see today, roberts appears to be eloquent, cautious and polite in the face of some not so polite questioning by some of the senators.

but look at his eyes! his eyes! his eyes! his eyes look like the grown up version the village of the damned kids. yes, he may have dyed his hair dark – but his eyes still look bizzarre and like he’s about to unleash his powers that will make us all fall under his thrall.

roberts keeps emphasizing that he has no firm and calibrated judicial philosophy and this seems to be the very thing that the committee is attempting to uncover. for someone who has stated that he’s not running for political office and that he does not have a platform to run on – he sure is answering like a politician. sidestepping just about everything that comes his way.

the position of chief justice is a lifetime appointment and roberts is only 50 years old. he could conceivably have this power for the next 30 years. that is power. power for roberts, power for the republican party and a very powerful legacy for gwb. roberts would become one of the most powerful men in the united states.

a quote yesterday from one of the democratic senators pretty much sums it up :

Sen. Charles Schumer, D-New York, told Roberts he needed to answer senators’ questions so they can determine “whether you’re in the mainstream.”

“In a sense, we have seen maybe 10 percent of you — just the visible tip of the iceberg, not the 90 percent that is still submerged,” Schumer said. “And we all know that it is the ice beneath the surface that can sink the ship.”

the republican senators are holding the line that roberts should not answer any questions about how he might rule in a case or issue that may come before the supreme court. (well, then, shall we talk about playstation 2 or the latest golf swing techniques?). and the democratic senators are pushing to know more about the personal viewpoints of this judge. another democratic senator took a pretty sharp focus on the events of the coming week :

“Judge, if I look only at what you’ve said and written … I would have to vote ‘no,’ ” said Sen. Joseph Biden, D-Delaware.

“This is your chance, judge, to explain what you mean by what you have said and what you have written. “

the hearings are meant to wrap up by the end of the week and if judge roberts is confirmed he will take his place as chief justice when the court begins sitting again in october. why, oh, why, oh, why did sandra day o’connor retire? a moderate republican… does such a thing exist anymore?

[music | nine inch nails, “ringfinger”]

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